Why People are the worst thing about the world (Part Two)

Wow, Christmas really brings out the BEST in people. Especially the elderly; I'm not sure if its whether they know they haven't got long left, or just the cold weather traps all entry to their hearts, but they really are CRUEL!

So, back by "popular demand", here are some other things that people have done the last week to royally piss everyone off:

• Don't you FUCKING dare whistle for my attention again. I am neither a) a pet or b) a sexually appealing woman walking past a construction site


• "Can I have the most popular shoe you sell in the most popular size, 3 days before Christmas?" (note the lack of PLEASE AND THANKYOU). "No, sorry, we've sold out now"
  "WHAT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! HOW CAN THAT HAVE POSSIBLY HAPPENED! THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME AT THIS SHOP! THIS SHOP IS TERRIBLE"
  Ok, I'm going to stop you there, "sweetheart", first off, ITS CHRISTMAS. It happens EVERY YEAR. It isn't a new, last minute event, that you had no idea about. And the reason your fat, ugly son wants these shoes is because EVERYBODY ELSE IS WEARING THEM. Surely, thats a clue that they're probably going to sell out! Why don't you ask Father Christmas for them and when he gives you the same fucking answer, throw a nervy B at him. Alternately, try your hand at some parenting, find out what your offspring want in advance, like everyone else, I'm sure you can put the crack pipe down for 5 minutes to talk to them


• This is just one specific event, but a little girl brought a toy whistle in yesterday. And proceeded to whistle every 30 seconds, for roughly 45 minutes. She single handedly pissed every single staff member off, and obviously, being like, 3, didn't realise it. I'll tell you who could've done something- her parents. Her sulky, fucking parents. I don't blame the girl, she doesn't know what she's doing really- but if you let her blow that whistle again I'll ram it down your neglectful throats.


• The line "They're for my kids" isn't a trigger phrase to magically make shoes appear in the size you want, THEY STILL AREN'T HERE.


• "Have you got these in Blue, in a 6" "No, just the colours that are out", "Well they had them in _____". Yeah, everytime I go to Tesco, I do a "practice shop" first, decide what I want exactly, but then leave the shop and go to a different Tesco to buy the products. That's how shopping works, isn't it.


• Don't come into a shop I've worked in for some time, and TELL me what we sell. If i say "Sorry we don't sell those". WE DONT SELL THEM. I'm not some kind of Piss poor JD Grinch trying to ruin Christmas for your family.


• This is pretty much a given, but don't threaten to "come back for me if it's not there", after I've spent 20 minutes of my time on the phone to another shop, reserving a shoe for you.


• "Do you stock ______". "No sorry" "Well do Sports Direct?"
  "Do you stock that new "The Saturdays" record, HMV?" "No sorry" "Well do CEX"
  Unless you have a mental deficiancy, you should be aware that the world is not one big shop. There are many different ones, with different stock. Also, I'm not your bitch.

This is basically all I can think of now. But its pretty clear to see this Christmas has angered me somewhat. A sidenote would be that a decent 25% of the customers are very pleasant to serve, and understand the rules of social conduct. So to them, I thank you greatly, and merry Christmas.

And to every one else, Ho Ho Hang yourselves.

x

I want a new driving wedge...I would like more Lemon Pledge

It's so difficult to write these things when there is literally NOTHING happening in your life...but i'll give it a crack!

You know when's a good time to cut all your hair off? ANY TIME BUT THE COLDEST TIME OF YEAR. Also, hats now make me look like an unfortunately proportioned child.

Winter 2010, it's alright I guess. Snow is a pain in the arse though isn't it girls! I've come to the conclusion that the more magical something looks, the more likely you are to die in/because of it. For example, "Wow (insert a friend's name of your own choosing here), look at that mythical dragon over there!", and the next thing you're on fire. Or like, a mystical looking man with a long flowing beard and a cape- less likely to take you under his caring wing and more likely to rape, beat and kill you, leaving you in an alleyway. So you know, heed my words, avoid the elderly and dragons...and snow.

I had a fun Mad Friday. I've always avoided going into Wigan on mad friday because i have this irrational phobia of being murdered outside of Bentleys coz i loked at someones "bird" funny. But this year I thought, its worth the RISK, because I'm really, really bored. So i dolls myself up, meet Mel and Laura, and everything is going swimmingly. And then Jack Frost just fucks everything up doesn't he! But to be fair, I did the following things

• Tried cherry beer
• Danced in the snow
• Made it into someone's bedroom
• Got slightly drunk
• Danced in the street
• Tried to stop cars to give us a lift
• Phoned for a taxi
• Bought someone some "going home" food
• Got a free sausage
• Stood covered in snow at a bus stop in an unfamiliar place, alone

And I didn't even make it to Wigan! All these things are basically what I do anyway, but usually there's a lot more "AAHAHGHGH" and then "BLEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH", and sometimes, apparantly, I lick people's foreheads....

I went furt Franco's last night, and there was some noisy bitch on her works do. You can take the girl out of Wigan...but you'll still fucking hear her there. The meal was nice, and I discovered some fascinating trivia about a group of 30 somethings that are clearly past the point of screaming "SAMBUCA!" at waitresses. Seriously, we would have had a classier evening at a Gypsy Hen Do.

I have another complaint about JD! Who the HELL decides what music goes on that Mp3 thing? It's really, REALLY bad. Like, who actually writes those songs thinking "Yeah, this is awesome, oh my god people will LOVE this!". The best example i can offer is "The Decision" by the Young Knives. Some quality lines in that song include

"I'm the Prince of Wales, I'm the Prince of Wales, and if all else fails...I'm the Prince of Wales"

So yeah, Christmas 2010! Where's this bludy year gone? Everyone else, in the world, left this country (except the ones already not in it), and just abandoned me, then there was a tram crash on Corrie. That's basically all I can really remember about it right now!

This time last year I was JUST dropping out of Uni, for reference, read my blog from December 2009! Looking back, it was a good idea, because it was awful. I do miss the people though. However, I have met some LUCKY people this year too, who I probably wouldn't have done had I stayed at Uni! And for the first time in ages, I sort of have a game plan.

Or I could just stay at home writing blogs and playing Scene it with Frankie.

We'll see.

Good Tidings to All, I'm going to leave you with my own version of the 12 days of Christmas:

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME....
Twelve Bummers Bumming
Eleven Daniel Pipers Daniel Piping
Ten Maude's a-leaping (to their deaths from a racing car grand stand)
Nine Nathan's flamboyantly dancing
Eight Johannas Milking (all the attention they can)
Seven Frankies swimming (but telling me not to splash her, get her hair wet, or actually swim properly)
Six Becky Reeces a-wheyyinnng
Five GoldFing....ers
Four Appaling Birds (screaming their heads off in an Italian Resteraunt)
Three French Skanks (namely Jess, Natalie and Dave)
Two Girls 1 Cup
And Sam Rigby in a Bear Tree

This seemed funnier before i started writing it

MERRY CHRISTMAS

xxxx